Fear Itself

The Memoir

Medicine from the inside of panic disorder

Fear Itself is the story of a paradox: an emergency physician whose high-stakes professional world — where calm under pressure was not optional — actually quieted the panic disorder that stalked him everywhere else.

Spanning four decades of emergency medicine, it traces the origins of panic in childhood, the years of silence and concealment, the professional misconduct proceeding that threatened everything, and ultimately, the resolution that came through EMDR therapy and the willingness to finally tell the truth.

It is also a book about what happens in families when anxiety goes unnamed — passed down not as a diagnosis but as a way of being in the world.

About the Author

Scott Elberger, MD, MPH is a retired board-certified emergency physician with over forty years of clinical experience. He holds an MD from New York Medical College and an MPH from the University of Massachusetts Amherst, and has published in Emergency Medicine, the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, and the Annals of Emergency Medicine. He lives in the New York area.

Sample Chapter

Chapter One

The sound of rain on the nylon tent had been soothing earlier.

Soft taps on the walls, muddled rhythms, then the occasional heavy splat when the pines overhead finally let go. It lulled Debbie and me to sleep, zipped into our sleeping bag cocoons, nineteen years old and sure the thin fabric between us and the forest was enough.

Later, the same rain sounded different. It grew louder, sharper, and more insistent, as if it had learned to aim.

I woke to wet fingers and an assault of raindrops. When I shifted my hips, a thin sheet of water rippled away from my sleeping bag. The fabric under me was no longer just cool. It was slick. The floor gave a little, as if it had softened.

Debbie's sleeping bag had a dark stain at the bottom, spreading slowly, soaking through. She kept sleeping, face turned toward the wall, unaware our shelter had started to fail.

The campground between us was a mess of puddles, fallen leaves, and twigs. Mud grabbed at my toes. I walked on the balls of my feet, flashlight pinned low, scanning for roots and stones. Trying to hurry.

And then I wasn't okay.

The ground tilted. The beam of my flashlight wobbled wildly. My stomach dropped as if I were falling, even though I was standing still.

Think, I told myself. Stay calm. Do not scream. Do not yell for help. Do not act like a loser.

But the part of me that could follow instructions was gone.

"Help me," I yelled. "Help me."

I could not stop it.

The complete memoir is approximately 60,000 words. For manuscript requests, please use the contact section below.

Essays & Reflections

Writing in progress

Occasional essays on panic disorder, emergency medicine, and the experience of writing this book.

Resources

If you're living with panic disorder

This memoir is not a clinical guide. But for readers who recognize themselves in these pages, the following resources may be useful.

Contact

For literary agents & readers